CREATING BOUNDARIES: SAYING NO FOR SANITY’S SAKE
Article by Fonda Clayton
Creating Boundaries: Saying No for Sanity's Sake
The ability of saying no is a boundary. The word NO is a complete sentence. It can be confusing when you are asked to do something for another person and it is assumed that your answer will be in the affirmative.
Saying no for the sake and space of your sanity is essential for your mental and emotional (sometimes physical) well being.
It is awesome to be in the position of being able to help or assist someone.
However knowing/learning and owning that you have the right to say NO when you are not in alignment is the point of this story.
It is a story about choices vs the shoulds. Even when it doesn’t look like you have a choice, please remember that you always DO!
It is not easy to remember you have choice without practice and even with practice, grace is a requirement: for the asker and for you (the intended giver).
Ask yourself:
Is this something I have time/room for?
Would this make me happy to do?
Would/will this give me the upmost satisfaction to do?
Will I feel salty, if the favor is not returned?
The last question is the biggest ringer in the equation. Why? It means, the giving of your time, energy, attention or money is being lent to the situation and it is not a clear/clean exchange. It is a screaming NO.
Pay attention to this. Honor this. With as much grace as you can muster, decline as immediately as possible. Otherwise, it will play as an untamed scenario in your head, robbing you of the time you would have saved by saying no.
It is ok for someone to ask you for something, just as it is within your right to say no. Don’t be ‘put out’ or offended.
This is a defense mechanism, a distraction and a trick. Supplying the NO is your responsibility.
Placing the responsibility for your happiness and quality of life on another person (even and including your spouse/partner) is a complete No-No.
The burden is too great, it is not fun or sexy. No one is placed on this planet ‘to do your happy’ for you. Which is why, feeling obligated to be nice is completely un-necessary.
Check your gut: it knows with immediacy. Know that if you go against it long enough, you will dull the sensory (the senses) knowing. Why should it continue to send the signal if you are going to continually override it?
Ignorer beware…it may seem to go dormant, but sometimes (read: it will) it can re-emerge as a physical ailment and it will seem as if it came out of ‘nowhere’.
Energy doesn’t dissolve, it morphs or transmutes depending on what you choose to do with it. Unconsciously or consciously respectively.
Should you say yes (when you don’t want to), you are not present.
You are living from a past moment (a memory of the consequences of when you weren’t pleasing to the other person) OR a future moment (which hasn’t happened and therefore your imagination).
Either way, you are mitigating risk or loss, so you assume and draw conclusions.
Assumptions that become obligations. Choking obligations. Resentment. An under current of rage. And no one is suffering but you, Beloved.
Always keep in your back pocket that ‘being nice’ is people pleasing, the need to be liked and very 3D. This mindset dictates that happy is always outside of yourself and conditional.
Saying no, may have a feeling of discomfort as your intent isn’t to disappoint anyone, but the one that you shouldn’t want to disappoint in this equation is you.
Make sure, not to follow the NO up with a bunch of explanation or justification. If you do this, energetically, the listener is awaiting for when your no will turn into a yes and then you are on the meat hook again.
Question:
‘Can you do such and such?’
Response:
’No, (insert: ‘thank you for asking’, where applicable) I can not.’
Then be silent, breathe. Remember to breathe.
What if you have noTHING to lose and everything to gain?
Tell the truth immediately or your response, may come out ugly and inappropriate which isn’t your intention, but you played with all the scenarios too long.
RECAP:
1. Trust your gut and speak from that place.
2. Tell the truth, even if it is uncomfortable otherwise, it is coming back to bite you in your hindquarters.
3. Your happiness matters, but only if you say that it does and you are willing to have it.
4. Throw ‘nice’ away AND saying NO is an option for you (no matter what it looks like to anyone else.)
The boundary is for you not to violate your values or energy level. Inside of the ‘no’ you are building a level of self trust, so that you are able to answer a resounding YES to the things that light you up.
